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Product description

Funny drinking design is a perfect gag gift for anyone who likes imbibing alcohol or liquor, wine tasting, partying, bar and pub crawls.Click the "DW Funny Beer Quotes" brand above to see more hilarious beer and liquor themed apparel. You know that friend who always tries to fake sobriety and is definitely "not drunk"? This is for them!

I've Never Pretended To Be Anything I'm Not Except Sober T-Shirt


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People Are Transforming Their Lives With SelfDecode

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- Robin

Very concise but thorough analysis on topics most doctors won't talk about although a number of studies are out there.

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- David

SelfDecode is a extensive information resource that doesn't "dumb down" technical information, yet makes available information in a highly readable and comprehensive way. SelfDecode cross references in such a way that any potential inquiry can provide insights I haven't seen available anywhere else.

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- Sarah

I love being able to access this information on my terms. No doctor has this detailed information.I can study and try new things and check results. Very grateful for the ability to access this information.

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Improve Your Health With SelfDecode

DNA Wellness Reports

Get comprehensive reports that analyze your genes and give suggestions to help you optimize specific health areas.

Struggling with a low mood?

Find out if you can benefit from light exposure based on your genes.

Have difficulty lowering your blood pressure?

A gene-related vitamin B2 insufficiency might be to blame.

Can’t reach your target weight?

Your body may do better on certain types of diets due to your genes.

Gut issues?

Find out which types of diets you may benefit from.

Lab Test Analyzer Tool

Just because your lab tests are in the "normal" range, it doesn't always mean your results are optimal. Decipher your lab tests, track your results and get personalized suggestions on how to achieve optimal levels.

Low B12 Levels?

Learn how to increase levels to improve energy and motivation.

Low magnesium?

Discover what that means for your health.

High Leptin levels?

Understand what that means for weight loss.

Build Your Health Regimen

Take your health recommendations and turn them into an easy-to-follow regimen with the ability to track progress and make changes based on what is working for you.

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Wellness Reports

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1 SelfDecode DNA Test Kit
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Full access & download to your raw DNA file


Lifetime Access




Lifetime Access



1 SelfDecode DNA Test Kit
(shipping not included)

Full access & download to your raw DNA file

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Unlimited DNA file & lab test uploads

Discounted pricing for DNA kits

Priority Customer Support

* SelfDecode DNA kits are non-refundable. If you choose to cancel your plan within 30 days you will not be refunded the cost of the kit, which varies.

SelfDecode DNA Test Kit

Our DNA kit chip was carefully created for its highly accurate testing capabilities and wide range of SNP coverage. The kit contains over 700,000 SNPs and SelfDecode uses top AI technology to predict and analyze up to 83 million SNPs that significantly influence health risk. This includes genes like MTHFR, ApoE, COM1, Vitamin D Receptor (VDR), HLA variants, and many more.

Our kit provides the insight we need to provide the most comprehensive health reports and actionable recommendations possible.​

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Meet Our Team

65 passionate geneticists, doctors, pharmacists, biologists and specialists behind SelfDecode. Dedicated to helping you improve your health and well-being.

We only source our information from the best, most reliable scientific journals. Our science team scours hundreds of peer-reviewed studies each week to bring you the newest findings from the cutting edge of genetics research.

SelfDecode vs Other Genetic Decoders

Frequently Asked Questions

In addition to files from our own test, we support DNA data from a variety of providers: 23andMe, Ancestry, Courtagen, FamilyTreeDNA, MyHeritage, Atlas, MapMyGenome, Diagnomics, DNALand, and LivingDNA (among others).

We also support whole genome sequencing files from Dante Labs.

If you are unsure about whether your file will be supported, our customer support team can test your file out for you with SelfDecode before you subscribe if you email it to

Understanding your genetic predispositions can tell you a lot about whether your diet, lifestyle, and supplement regimen are working for or against you.

A great example of this is the TCF7L2 variant found in SelfDecode’s Blood Sugar Wellness Report. This variant affects the way you process complex carbs. People who carry the ancestral variant get larger blood sugar spikes in response to carbs, including carbs generally considered healthy, such as whole grains.

Whether you seek to optimize your health or overcome pre-existing issues, getting your DNA genotyped will tell you a lot about your body and open doors to effective gene-targeted protocols.

SelfDecode is focused entirely on health. This means, we can concentrate all our efforts into sharing the most helpful and detailed data possible using your DNA and lab tests.

Other DNA testing services limit the information they share about your DNA data. Our database enables you to look up any SNP from our test and access your raw data any time, free of charge. This way, you can utilize it however you’d like, whenever you’d like.

Plus, we are always releasing new DNA Wellness Reports and updating our database based on new scientific research. This, along with lab test analysis will keep you up-to-date with the most comprehensive health information possible.


Humans have about 10 million single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs), the majority of which have no effect on health. To make genotyping affordable, DNA testing companies focus on a subset most relevant to their goals, such as for identifying ancestral lineage or for health research.

23andme tests approximately 650,000 variants, while Ancestry tests for 669,000 variants. The SelfDecode DNA kit tests over 700,000 variants.

The SelfDecode DNA chip will help ensure you don’t miss out on your core health SNPs. The latest version of 23andme appears to exclude several SNPs SelfDecoders are interested in.

Yes! If you subscribe to one, you get access to the other.  If you subscribed to one and not the other before the integration, you should now have access to both. If this is not the case, please contact

Both plans include unlimited access to current and future DNA Wellness Reports and SelfDecode Labs. If you already have a DNA file, you may upload it at no extra cost. Otherwise, you can add a DNA kit to your subscription for only $90.

Yes! We make our reports accessible and easy-to-understand for anyone. Each report includes an explanation of the science behind genetics to help you understand how we reached our conclusions.

If you are interested in learning even more about a particular association, we are always sure to include all of our scientific references in every report as well if you want to do some further reading.

American Samoa
Antigua and Barbuda
Bonaire, Sint Eustatius and Saba
British Indian Ocean Territory
Burkina Faso
Cabo Verde
Cayman Islands
Central African Republic
Christmas Island
Cocos (Keeling) Islands
Congo (the Democratic Republic of the)
Cook Islands
Costa Rica
Côte d’Ivoire
Dominican Republic
El Salvador
Equatorial Guinea
Falkland Islands (Malvinas)
Faroe Islands
French Guiana
French Polynesia
Holy See
Hong Kong
Isle of Man
South Korea
Marshall Islands
Micronesia (Federated States of)
New Caledonia
New Zealand
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Palestine, State of
Papua New Guinea
Puerto Rico
Saint Barthélemy
Saint Helena, Ascension and Tristan da Cunha
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Martin (French part)
Saint Pierre and Miquelon
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
San Marino
Sao Tome and Principe
Saudi Arabia
Sierra Leone
Sint Maarten (Dutch part)
Solomon Islands
South Africa
Sri Lanka
Svalbard and Jan Mayen
Trinidad and Tobago
Turks and Caicos Islands
United Arab Emirates
United Kingdom
United States Minor Outlying Islands
United States of America
Virgin Islands (British)
Virgin Islands (U.S.)
Wallis and Futuna
Western Sahara
Åland Islands

Please allow up to a week and a half for your order to process. Once the kit has shipped, you will receive email confirmation.

Within the US, shipping usually takes 2-3 business days. Outside of the U.S., allow for about two weeks for shipping.

On occasion, a DNA kit package may be held at customs. If the package requires a manufacturer’s declaration, please reach out to and we will send you one. If duties and taxes must be paid, the customer is responsible for covering this cost.

Your genes remain the same, but new technologies and research continue to emerge. With a subscription to SelfDecode, you’ll have an exclusive first look at this new information and how it relates to your own health and wellness. 

Additionally, health and lifestyle changes take time, so always having access to your SelfDecode dashboard will help you to stay on track and make changes at a pace that works for you. If you encounter new health-related symptoms, you can easily track possible gene-related causes or contributions with instant access to our Symptoms & Conditions Analyzer.

Plus, a subscription gives you unlimited access to the world’s first Personalized Genetics Blog! On the cutting edge SelfDecode blog, we discuss various traits and delve into how one or more genes interact with these traits.

We have a personalized algorithm that gives you a score – good, neutral or negative – for a given trait based on the variants we analyzed. And you will get new blog posts DAILY.

We are also planning robust community platform where users can easily compare their genes and discuss their conditions with people experiencing the same symptoms. Additional health tracking software, reports and laboratory testing integrations are also coming soon. 

Alternatively, if you prefer a non-subscription model, you can upgrade to a lifetime membership!

Once you sign up to SelfDecode there will be a Demo Tour to walk you through the app.

Yes, we do. You can find information about our affiliate program here.

Our business model is selling you the tools to analyze your DNA to optimize your health. As opposed to other companies, we never sell your data to other companies nor do we share user data with any third parties.

At SelfDecode, we take your privacy and the security of your genetic data very seriously. Only vetted and trusted employees of SelfDecode have access to the administrator/backend portion of the site and the text files are stored securely on Amazon’s cloud, with only one person having access.

SelfDecode is committed to our user’s privacy. That is why we ensure our infrastructure meets modern security standards by enforcing the following practices:

– Secure SSL Certified Connections Only

– Script Protection

– Disk Write Protections

– Plugin Access Restriction

– External Security Penetration Testing

– Annual SAS 70 Type II Examinations

– Encryption of All Backup Media

– Maintain Audit Logs

We collect the least amount of information possible to provide you with the service, such as your name and email address. We do not collect home addresses or other identifying information. You also have an option to use a pseudonym if identifying information is a concern.

Your payment is processed by reputable and secure payment processing companies, i.e. Stripe and PayPal.

We also honor customer requests to completely delete their information from our database.

SelfDecode does not and should not be used to treat, diagnose or cure any conditions, but is rather for informational and educational purposes alone. The body is very complex and you should not be making any medical decisions based on the information contained in this site and should speak to your doctor before taking any actions that pertain to your health or any condition you may have.

Nothing that we have on the site is FDA approved.

Align Your Health Hacks With Your Genes for Optimal Health & Cognitive Function

SelfDecode is a personalized health report service, which enables users to obtain detailed information and reports based on their genome. SelfDecode does not treat, diagnose or cure any conditions, but is for informational and educational purposes alone.



Health reports

Blood Pressure
Blood Sugar
Chronic Fatigue
Chronic Pain
Gut Inflammation
Heart Health
Irritable Bowel
Joint Pain
Kidney Health
Neck & Shoulder Pain

Joe Cohen, BSc

CEO & Founder

Joe Cohen, founder of SelfDecode, SelfHacked and LabTestAnalyzer is a thriving speaker and entrepreneur that has been independently researching health and science for over 15 years. Growing up with a myriad of health issues that conventional medicine failed to solve pushed Joe to study his own genes to get to the root cause of his problems.

After fixing his chronic health issues with a personalized gene-based approach to health, he knew that he needed to share this information with the masses. Founding SelfHacked, LabTestAnalyzer and SelfDecode was Joe’s way of helping people take their health into their own hands.

Now, Joe regularly speaks at events alongside the world’s top health experts and continues to work on enhancing his company’s products to provide people with access to cutting-edge tools and information designed to optimize health.

Puya Yazdi, MD

Chief Science Officer and Chief Medical Officer

Dr. Puya Yazdi is a physician-scientist with 15+ years of proven success in R&D, including 7+ years of executive experience. He received his undergraduate education at the University of California at Irvine, a Medical Doctorate from the University of Southern California, and was a Resident Physician at Stanford University. He has successfully developed 10+ precision medicine products, a history of peer-reviewed publications, intellectual property acquisitions, clinical trials, regulatory filings, in addition to authoring numerous white papers, hundreds of lay publications, winning numerous awards, and speaking at leading international conferences and companies.

His mission in life is to bring the power and promise of genomics and AI/ML to the masses and help transform healthcare in the 21st century.

Manfred Grabherr, PhD

VP of Bioinformatics and AI

Dr. Manfred Grabherr is a world renowned expert in genomics, bioinformatics, and AI who brings with him over 30 years of experience across both academia and industry. Manfred received his PhD in applied physics from the University of Technology Vienna, Austria
(TU Wien) in 1992. He then worked on speech recognition, natural language processing, and
machine learning in industry for the next 11 years, both in Vienna and the Greater Boston Area, Massachusetts. The companies he worked for include IBM, Philips, Lernout & Hauspie, and Voice Signal Technologies.

In 2003 he joined the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard as a computational biologist. Besides contributing to a number of large scale genomics projects and publications, highlights include the RNA-Seq assembly software Trinity, which has been cited by almost 12,000 studies world wide, and Saguaro, software to automatically detect signals of adaptive evolution in populations, which has since been declared the “gold standard” for other methods and analyses. In 2011 he moved to Uppsala University in Sweden, where he received associate professorship in 2013.

He has co-founded multiple companies in addition to serving in senior executive roles. Manfred has 60 publications in top tiered peer reviewed journals (Nature, Science, etc), and is an inventor on numerous patents, and has a history of prior successful exits.

Charles Manson, PhD

AI Research Scientist

Dr. Charles Manson brings with him over 10 years of experience in statistics, mathematical modeling, analysis, and AI across various industries. His previous work experience includes Deutsche Bank, AMEC, NHS, and HBSC. He previously co-founded an AI startup working on developing novel AI solutions by utilizing deep learning, generative adversarial networks (GAN), and reinforcement learning.

He received his M.Sc. and Ph.D. in Mathematics from the University of Warwick. There, he worked under Fields Medal winner, Dr. Martin Hairer, and graduated top of his class. Prior to this, he studied Computational Biology at the University of Cambridge and Mathematics at NYU. He has published multiple papers in the fields of mathematics and probability and has spoken at leading international conferences.

Health reports

Blood Pressure
Blood Sugar
Chronic Fatigue
Chronic Pain
Gut Inflammation
Heart Health
Irritable Bowel
Joint Pain
Kidney Health
Neck & Shoulder Pain